Cedric's Wonderful Life
by Erin T. Aardvark
Summary: Cedric wishes he was never born.
1. A Day Gone Wrong

It was a typical, winter day in the Evergreen Forest. Cedric Sneer was out on the lake with his best friend, Bert Raccoon, and the two of them were hitting around a hockey puck.

"This is great," Bert said. "It's the perfect day for hockey, don't you think, Cedric?"

"Sure," Cedric said, giving the puck a good whack. "But there really isn't much of a challenge to one on one hockey."

"That's a good point. But I think I see some challengers coming this way."

Bert was right. His friends, Ralph and Melissa, were skating towards them, carrying their own hockey sticks.

"Hey, Ralph! Melissa!" Bert called. "How but a little hockey? You two versus me and Cedric!"

"I don't know," Melissa said.

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Bert said.

"Oh, okay, what the heck?" Ralph said. "Let's go."

Ralph and Bert faced off, and Ralph skating off with the puck. Bert practically flew after him, and snagged the puck away. The game basically went on like this for awhile. At one point, Ralph would have the puck and pass it to Melissa, or Bert would have the puck and pass it to Cedric. Since neither team had a goalie, points were pretty much easy to score.

"Okay, score's tied," Bert said. "Next point wins!"

The others agreed. Bert had the puck, and passed it to Cedric, who skated towards Ralph and Melissa's "goal post." Unfortunately, Ralph sped in front of Cedric, ready to steal the puck, and Bert practically flew in to stop him. Cedric saw Ralph coming and tried to dodge him, but he didn't see Bert, and the two of them collided and ended up falling on the ice.

CRASH!

Melissa ended up with the puck, and shot it into Bert's and Cedric's "goal."

"We win," she said.

"Nice going, Cedric," Bert said, sarcastically. "We could have won that game easily."

"It wasn't my fault, Bert," Cedric replied. "You were the one coming from behind."

"Come on, Bert, it was just a game," Ralph said.

Bert didn't say anything, and stood up. He yanked his hockey stick out from he tangled mess of himself, Cedric, and their sticks, only to find that it had broken in half.

"Augh!" Bert shouted. "My stick! My lucky hockey stick! Now look what you've done, Cedric!"

"Bert, it's just a hockey stick," Cedric replied, getting up.

"No, your stick is just a hockey stick!" Bert shouted. "My hockey stick was a one of a kind, mint conditioned, irreplaceable, autographed by Wayne Grizzly lucky hockey stick!"

"How lucky can it be? We lost the game."

"Brother. If you weren't such a klutz, Cedric, we would have won that game, and my stick would be in one piece!"

"I am _not_ a klutz! You were the one who came up out of nowhere trying to get the puck when I had it in control!"

"Don't try to blame this on me, Cedric, you're the one who lost the game, _and_ broke my lucky hockey stick! I'm never gonna speak to you again!"

Cedric didn't say anything more. He started off the ice, and headed home. He thought Bert was making a big deal over nothing. Not speaking to him again, just because his hockey stick was broken? Cedric didn't understand it.

Once Cedric returned to the Sneer mansion, he saw his father, Cyril, talking on the phone to someone.

"This investment will make me millions!" he shouted. "Be sure to invest the million dollars I put in."

"Pop, what are you doing?" Cedric asked, once Cyril hung up the phone.

"Just a little investing," Cyril replied. "And let me tell you, Cedric, it's going to be bringing in the big money!"

"What did you do?"

"I invested in an oil company down in Texas, and if it takes off . . . ."

Cedric got a look at what Cyril had been doing, and what exactly he was getting into. It was an oil company all right. But Cedric happened to know that part of Texas usually had fake oil lines, and only ended up stealing the money people invested in it.

"How much did you put into this investment, Pop?" he asked.

"A million," Cyril said, shrugging. "So what? They said I'll make it back. What should it matter to you, Cedric?"

"Pop, I hate to tell you this, but this company is a con job. Remember? You wanted to invest in this company last week, and I told you not to? And I even told you not to earlier today."

"Cedric, you have to be thinking about things like this. Oil is very big business, and Texas is just full of it!"

Cedric sighed. As usual, Cyril wasn't going to listen to him, when he tried to tell him something important. He picked up the phone and dialed the number Cyril was talking to. When he got the person who sold the investment to Cyril, he cancelled it.

"Cancel the investment?" the person on the other end said.

"Yes, cancel it," Cedric said. "Pop changed his mind about it, that's all."

"Okay, but you do realize that there are no refunds."

"Oh well."

Cedric didn't mean to be sneaky about this. He hoped Cyril wasn't going to be too angry about this, but he would only lose more money if he kept the investment in this phony oil company. He went downstairs to the basement to work on the super computer he was building. It was coming alone quite nicely. Cedric hoped to finish it by the end of the week. He worked in the basement, because he knew he could get some privacy down there, and he also knew that his baby son, Forest, wouldn't mess with anything down there. It was one of the rooms he wasn't allowed in.

As Cedric was working on his computer, his wife, Sophia, came down the stairs, carrying Forest.

"Cedric, can you keep your eye on the baby?" she asked. "I need to go practice my swan glides."

"Your swan glides are perfect, Sophia," Cedric said, not bothering to look up from his work. "I don't know why you insist on working on them."

"I want to stay in top condition in case I'm ever invited back to the Olympics or something like that," Sophia replied.

"All right," Cedric said. "I'll watch the baby."

"Thanks, Cedric."

Sophia put Forest on the floor, and walked upstairs, figuring Cedric would stop working on his super computer, and take the baby upstairs. Unfortunately, Cedric didn't even notice Forest. He just continued to work on his computer. Forest looked up at Cedric, and then crawled over to a part of the computer that was already finished. Cedric had worked on that part for months. Forest picked up a cable that was attached to it, and began pulling on it. He laughed as he pulled, and the computer started to tilt downward. It was then that Cedric noticed. He heard Forest laughing, turned around, and shot to his feet.

"FOREST!" he shouted, just as Forest gave the cable one final yank, and the computer came crashing down. Cedric grabbed Forest and pulled him out of the way just in time. The computer hit the ground with a loud CRASH!

"Oh Forest!" Cedric groaned. "Look what you did! I spent months working on that!"

"What's going on?" Sophia asked, coming down the stairs. "I was just about to leave when I heard a crash! Is everything okay?"

"No, everything is _not_ okay!" Cedric shouted, feeling pretty frustrated. "Forest, who's not even allowed to be down here in the first place, just wrecked part of my computer!"

"Well . . . . . I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose," Sophia said. "He _is_ only a baby, after all."

"Sophia, I told you never to let Forest down here! It's too dangerous for him to play down here! Just look! My computer almost fell on him! What's worse is now I'll have to start all over on it. Way to go, Forest. You just ruined the most important thing in my life right now!"

Cedric practically shoved Forest into Sophia's arms, which caused him to burst out crying. Cedric didn't pay any attention. He just started picking up the mess, and trying to remember which part of the computer went where.

"Cedric!" Sophia shouted, a little shocked. This was the first time she had ever seen Cedric blow up like that.

"Not now," Cedric grumbled. "Thanks to Forest, I've got a big mess down here and half of my work on this computer is ruined!"

"Cedric, it was just an accident. I think you're being a little rough on Forest. He's only a baby!"

"Rough? Sophia, he wrecked my computer!"

"He didn't know any better!"

"Well, I think he should by now! We only have to keep telling him not to do things, and he does them anyway!"

"That's mainly your father's influence on him!"

"Just take him out of here! I've got to fix this!"

Forest felt bad. He didn't mean to make his daddy mad. He whimpered, and reached out for Cedric, trying to tell him that he was sorry, but Cedric just ignored him, and began picking up spare parts.

"Forest, not now!" he shouted. "I don't have time for you now!"

Forest's face crumbled, and he let out a wail that could be heard in the next county. Sophia tried to comfort him, which wasn't easy, considering she was fuming at Cedric.

"Cedric Sneer, that was uncalled for!" she shouted. "Forest didn't mean to wreck your stupid old computer, and you know it!"

"Oh, go practice your stupid old swan glides," Cedric grumbled.

"Well, if that's the way you feel about it!"

Sophia started up the stairs. Cedric really put his foot in his mouth that time. He didn't mean what he said to Sophia, and he didn't mean to yell at Forest, either. He was just frustrated that he had to start all over on his computer. He stuck a couple of nuts into his hockey jersey and raced up the stairs.

"Sophia!" he called out. "Sophia, wait! I didn't mean it!"

"Hmph!" was all Sophia had to say. She turned away from Cedric, and started to go up to the next floor of the Sneer mansion to put Forest in his crib.

Forest was still crying, and upon seeing Cedric, began to cry harder. He thought that Cedric was going to yell at him again, and it frightened him.

"Come on, Sophia, I'm sorry!" Cedric shouted.

"CEDRIC!" Cyril shouted, from the door way.

"Hold it a sec, Pop," Cedric said. "I need to talk to Sophia."

"Sofa Girl can wait! What's the big idea canceling my investment in that oil field?!"

"It was a scam, Pop! You'd lose more than a million dollars if I didn't cancel it. Besides, how'd you know I did?"

"I got a call from my investor telling me that my son cancelled my investment, and he was confirming it! And it was too late to get the investment bank! I do not like to lose money, Cedric, AND YOU KNOW IT!"

"But, Pop, if you'd just listen to me . . . ."

Cyril scoffed, and stormed out. He had to think of a way to get that million dollars back. Cedric sighed. First, his best friend was angry with him. Then his son was downright afraid of him. Next, his wife wasn't even speaking to him, and now his father was mad at him!

"What a day," he groaned, as he walked upstairs.

Cedric walked straight up to the tower, climbed out the window, and then sat on the roof for awhile, staring up at the stars. He took off his glasses, and began rubbing his eyes.

"They all might be better off without me," he said, as he looked down to the ground. It was a long way down.

Cedric stood up, and prepared to jump.


	2. Life Without Cedric Sneer

Right before Cedric could jump, he heard something going on from above. He looked up, and saw something falling out of the sky, screaming. It grabbed onto the side of the Sneer mansion's room, and tried to climb up. Cedric looked over, and saw that it was another aardvark.

"Evening," the aardvark said. "Nice night for a neck injury, eh?"

"Who are you?" Cedric asked, pulling the aardvark to the roof. "And how did you get here?"

"My name is Aardvarkian Ivannovich Horatio Needlemyer Smith," the aardvark said. "But you can call me Ardie. As for how I got here, I came down from the sky. I'm your guardian angel, Cedric."

"My what?"

"You heard me. So, what's this about you jumping off the roof here?"

"You wouldn't understand it."

"Try me."

Cedric didn't say anything. He just sat back down on the roof, and sighed. Ardie sat down next to him, and waited for him to start explaining.

"I'm not getting any younger, Cedric," he said. "We don't have all night you know. Let me take a wild guess. Nothing's going your way, and all your friends and family are mad at you, am I right?"

"Pretty much," Cedric said, shrugging. "There are times when I just wish I was never born!"

"Okay."

Thunder crashed and lightning flashed, which Cedric found odd, since it was the middle of winter. He looked at Ardie as if he were crazy.

"What was that?" he asked.

"You got your wish," Ardie shrugged. "You were never born."

"You've got to be kidding me! What do you mean I was never born?"

"Well, you wished that you were never born, so this is what life would be like in the Evergreen Forest without Cedric Sneer."

Cedric didn't know what to think. He was about to say something to Ardie when sirens blared, lights flashed, and dogs started barking.

"INTRUDER! INTRUDER!" someone shouted.

"What?!" Cedric shouted, a little confused. He looked up and saw one of Cyril's pigs in a helicopter.

"ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!" the pig shouted through a bull horn. "COME DOWN WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"

Cedric climbed off the roof and into the front yard. Cyril's bears were scouting around the place, and the pig jumped out of the helicopter.

"Okay, buddy," he said. "You're going in to see the boss!"

"There's got to be some mistake!" Cedric shouted.

"Yeah, and you made it, Four Eyes!"

The pig led Cedric into the Sneer mansion, and into Cyril's office.

"We caught the intruder, sir," the pig said.

"Good," Cyril replied. "Now get out of here!"

"Yes sir!"

The pig left the room as fast as he could. Cyril looked at Cedric, menacingly. Cedric noticed that Cyril looked a little different than usual. He knew his father could be a pretty mean guy, but now he looked meaner than he normally was.

"Pop?" Cedric asked. "Is that really you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Cyril shouted. "I don't tolerate intruders on my property!"

"But Pop, don't you know me?"

"No. Should I?"

"It's me, Pop! Cedric!"

"Cedric? I don't know any Cedric!"

"But I'm your son!"

"I don't have a son! I never had one, and I never will have one! I should throw you in the dungeon for this!"

"But Pop!"

"GUARDS! GET THIS INTRUDER OUT OF HERE!"

A group of bears came into the office. Cedric gulped, and then found himself thrown out of his own home! Ardie caught up with him outside.

"That couldn't have been my pop," Cedric said, standing up. "I know he's sort of a mean guy at times, but he acted like he didn't know who I was!"

"He didn't," Ardie replied. "You were never born. Come on. Let's take a little walk around."

Ardie and Cedric started to walk around the Evergreen Forest, but it didn't look like the Evergreen Forest Cedric knew. All the trees had been cut down to make room for big buildings, roads, and factories. It looked more like a big city than a forest! And there was smog, pollution, and traffic everywhere.

"What happened to the forest?" he asked.

"Cyril took over," Ardie said. "It all started with his Cyril Dome over the lake."

"But . . . . but we saved the lake. In that hockey game."

"Well, there was a hockey game, but the Raccoons lost. Cyril's bears were too much for them."

"That can't be possible!"

"Well, without you to help them score those first three points, they lost."

Cedric didn't know what to say about that. As it turned out, Cyril didn't just stop after he built his Cyril Dome. He had torn down the entire forest to turn it into a big city. Suddenly, Cedric heard the distinct sound of someone revving up a motorcycle. He turned around and saw one come shooting by.

"Outta the way!" a familiar voice shouted. "Biker Bert Raccoon is on the move! Yahoo!"

Cedric jumped to the side as a raccoon on a red motorcycle came zooming in. The raccoon stopped, and looked at Cedric.

"What are _you_ lookin' at, Hose Nose?" he asked.

"Bert?" Cedric asked. "Bert Raccoon, is that you?"

"It's Biker Bert, to you, Faucet Face," the raccoon said. "What's it to ya?"

"Bert, don't you recognize me?"

"No. I don't go around hanging with nerds!"

"But Bert, it's me! Cedric! Your best friend."

"My best friend?"

With that, Bert burst out laughing. He laughed so hard, he almost fell off his motorcycle.

"Come on, Bert," Cedric said. "What's with the motorcycle? Normally, you'd be playing hockey."

"I gave up hockey," Bert replied. "It's for wimps!"

"But you love hockey. And baseball. You were never really the motorcycle type."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was tired of all that stuff. I'm just a rebel, and bad to the bone, fella! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got places to go, and people to run over!"

"But, Bert! You've got to know me!"

"Hey, wait a minute, I think I do know ya."

"You do?"

"Yeah. You're the guy who's gonna be the next notch on my bike, if you don't get outta my way! Move it or lose it!"

Bert revved up his motorcycle, and zoomed off, nearly running over Cedric. Cedric jumped out of the way just in time. He watched Bert ride off.

"See ya later, sucker!" Bert called as he disappeared.

Cedric was just plain stunned. He couldn't believe what he had just seen.

"Bert was always such a nice guy," he said. "A little hyperactive and crazy at times, but he'd never act like this!"

"It was mainly your influence that kept Bert in line," Ardie said. "Without you around, Bert's just a lose cannon, ready to go off."

"But can't Ralph and Melissa control him? I thought they would have more influence on him than me!"

"They could if they had the time."

"What do you mean?"

"Come with me."

Cedric followed Ardie down the street to a large building. It was where the Evergreen Standard used to be, but not anymore.

"The Daily Sneer?" Cedric asked, reading the sign on the door. "I thought it was supposed to be the Evergreen Standard."

"It was," Ardie said, shrugging. "But Cyril Sneer bought it right after he built the Cyril Dome. Come on. You wanted to see Ralph and Melissa."

Cedric followed Ardie inside the building. It was a basic newspaper production center, like the Evergreen Standard, only the printer was bigger, and Ralph and Melissa were running all over the place.

"We need to get this in by tonight!" Ralph shouted.

"We're on a strict deadline!" Melissa shouted. "If we don't get this paper out now, Mr. Sneer will have our heads!"

"Ralph? Melissa?" Cedric asked. "Why are you guys moving so fast?"

"No time to talk!" Ralph shouted. "We have a deadline to meet!"

"Or else we're going to lose our jobs!" Melissa shouted. "Mr. Sneer doesn't like slackers!"

"You work for my pop?" Cedric asked. "But I thought . . . ."

"I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave now," Ralph said. "We can't afford to get distracted!"

"But . . . ." Cedric started.

Ralph and Melissa didn't answer. They just continued racing around the newsroom, trying to get everything ready on time. They didn't want to make Cyril mad. Cedric was just plain dumbfounded.

"This is insane!" he shouted. "They can't be working for Pop!"

"After Cyril bought the Evergreen Standard, they didn't have any choice," Ardie said.

"But they're acting like they're afraid of Pop, and they aren't."

"They weren't afraid of him until they got crushed in that hockey game for the lake."

"This is all just so confusing."

Cedric sighed. This was not the Evergreen Forest he knew. He didn't even know what to make of this Evergreen Forest, where Cyril practically owned everything, nobody knew who he was.

"I don't understand any of this," he said.

"Let me spell it out for you," Ardie said. He walked up to Cedric, grabbed his ear, and began screaming into it at the top of his voice.

"YOU WERE NEVER BORN! YOU NEVER EXISTED, AND EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW!"

Ardie let go of Cedric's ear and it snapped back into place.

SNAP!

"Get it?" he asked.

"Got it," Cedric said, slightly cringing from the decibels.

"Good."

Cedric shook his head out, and cleaned out his ear. Then he turned to Ardie.

"So I was never born," he repeated.

"That's the gist of it," Ardie replied.

"I get it. Well, I saw everyone, but . . . . . well, what about Sophia? Is she . . . . . I mean, does she . . . . . uhh . . . ."

"You want to know if she's replaced you, huh?"

"Well, yeah."

"Go see for yourself. She's over at the Cyril Dome."

Cedric and Ardie started walking towards the Cyril Dome, and went inside. The rink was so big, Cedric didn't see Sophia at first, but as he walked down to the edge of the arena, he saw her, practicing her swan glides, figure eights, pirouettes, axles, and other moves figure skaters do. She ended with a twirl, and that's when she saw Cedric standing there, staring at her.

"Hi," she said.

"Um, hi," Cedric said, with a slight gulp.

"My name's Sophia Tutu."

"I'm C-c-cedric Sneer."

All of a sudden, Cedric got a case of déjà vu. He just stood there for a few minutes, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything.

"Well, Cedric," Sophia said, finally. "I should get back to working on my swan glides."

"I, uh, I think those swan glides are perfect," Cedric said.

"Do you really think so?"

Cedric gulped again, but couldn't bring himself to say anything, so he just nodded. Sophia then looked at Cedric closely.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" she asked.

"Yes!" Cedric shouted, happily. "Yes, Sophia, you and I . . . . we're married and . . ."

"Married?!" Sophia shouted, staring at Cedric as if he were insane. "I think there's some mistake. I'm not married."

"Oh, please, Sophia, you've got to believe me!" Cedric pleaded. "You and I got married awhile back, and we live with my pop, Cyril Sneer, and . . . ."

"You're absolutely out of your mind!"

"But Sophia!"

Cedric reached out and grabbed her hand. Sophia let out a shriek, pulled herself away, and skated to the other side of the rink. Then she got off the ice, and left. Cedric watched her go, feeling crushed.

"Had enough?" Ardie asked.

"Let's just go," Cedric replied.

The two of them went back to the Sneer mansion and climbed up on the roof. Ardie assured Cedric that all the alarm systems were turned off.

"This is life without you in it, Cedric," he said. "You're important to a lot of people. You know, since you were never born, neither was Forest."

"Forest," Cedric repeated. He started to pull the nuts from his computer out of his hockey jersey he was wearing, but his complete shock, he couldn't find them.

"The nuts from my computer . . . . . where are they?" he asked. "I know I had them."

"Those nuts don't exist, because your computer doesn't exist, and Forest doesn't exist," Ardie said. "And Forest doesn't exist because you don't exist."

"Everything's all turned around," Cedric said. "Ardie, I want to exist! And I want Forest to exist! You've got to change everything! You've got to make everything back to normal!"

Ardie just smiled, and disappeared into thin air, leaving Cedric alone on the roof of the mansion.

"Ardie?" he asked. "Ardie, where'd you go?! Ardie, don't leave me like this! Ardie!"


	3. It's a Wonderful Life

Cedric continued looking around frantically for Ardie, because it appeared that nothing had changed. As he was looking, the window opened, and Cyril leaned out of it.

"Cedric!" he shouted. "What in blazes are you doing on the roof?!"

"Pop!" Cedric shouted. "Do you know who I am?"

"What, are you plugging American Express now? Get in here before you fall and break your neck!"

Cyril grumbled, and went back inside. Cedric climbed down to the window and followed him. It felt like everything was back to normal, but he wasn't so sure. He walked down to the main hall, and found the Raccoons there. Bert was looking pretty sheepish.

"Bert!" Cedric shouted. "You're not riding a motorcycle."

"I don't even own a motorcycle," Bert replied. "Look, Cedric, uhh, Ralph and Melissa and I got to talking, and . . . . . . well . . . . . well, it was more of a lecture than a talk, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry for blaming you for breaking my autographed Wayne Grizzly hockey stick."

"But Bert, it was your favorite stick."

"Yeah, but it's not worth it if I lose a friend over it."

"Thanks, Bert."

"Cedric!" Sophia shouted, running down the stairs with Forest in her arms. Forest was crying a little, and reaching out for Cedric.

"I'm glad you're all right," Sophia said. "I've been looking everywhere for you! I was so worried about you! And poor Forest was practically in hysterics when we couldn't find you!"

"I'm okay, Sophia," Cedric said, taking Forest from her, and giving him a big hug. "And I'm sorry I yelled at you and Forest. And called your swan glides stupid."

"Oh it doesn't matter," Sophia said, hugging Cedric.

Forest settled himself into his daddy's shoulder, and started sucking his thumb. Cedric knew that it was Forest's way of forgiving him for yelling at him.

"Cedric, I have something to say to you," Cyril said. "I got a call concerning that oil field in Texas shortly after they called to confirm the cancellation of my investment."

"Uh oh," Cedric groaned. He had a feeling he was still in trouble. "What did they say, Pop?"

"They said that the police found out it was a scam and shut down the operation," Cyril said. "They're going to refund the million dollars I invested in it. So that lets you off the hook."

"Thanks, Pop," Cedric said. Then he remembered some of the other things he saw when Ardie was showing him what life would be like without him.

"Is the lake still there?" he asked.

"Of course it is!" Bert shouted.

"What about the Evergreen Standard?" Cedric asked.

"It's still up and running," Melissa said. "What's wrong, Cedric? Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," Cedric replied, smiling. "In fact, I've never felt better in my entire life!"

The End


End file.
